I don’t know why I did this myself.. it’s causing more and pointless and useless wasted energy. I don’t like arguing with someone my age who likes to deal with things as if they were 10 years old. You go through many obstacles in life that make a deep impact on your decisions; whether or not you make it a positive or negative one is up to you. I’m gonna go ahead and say this one was a negative one. Of course you learn from your mistakes, you become stronger from it, but right now it’s a negative one. It’s not worth it and I call myself a complete idiot for it. Ahh but I got sucked in, how am I supposed to deal with it now? It’s going to take me giving up something I really enjoy.  So should I give it up?

One thing that never ceases to amaze me is that you never stop learning and you never stop making mistakes. I know its a given. I know it’s something everyone and their dogs know come on, this is ridiculous.  You’d think you’d make fewer mistakes as years go on because you learn from the past and you try not to make as many. But damn.

So from now on, before I argue again with this 10 year old I must ask myself, Is this really worth it? Because most of the time, it’s not. My energy should be focused on trying to get back on my feet and this isn’t helping at all.

So..

Dear Y,

Next time you think you’re speaking to a brick wall, make sure I don’t think that I’m speaking to a concrete wall, to a wall that has no understanding whatsoever on what I’m going through. Do not try to think you understand when you have no fucking idea. Do not try to judge me when YOU yourself put yourself in this situation. You have a dick which means you are a man, so act like one. Act like one so I don’t have to constantly remind myself that you’re not a just another bitch I’m trying to scare off. You are 21 years old, act like an adult and make me proud. When you’re wrong, admit that you’re wrong. When you’re right, swallow it because it doesn’t occur often. I’m not going to repeatedly try to explain myself to you if you don’t want to comprehend it. I don’t need to explain anything to anyone. Especially you.

When things fall apart, the things that were basically what you lived for in the past, a thousand memories flow in your head. You think of the good times and you think of the bad times. The bad times are revisited in your head more than once and you’re forever grateful of the good times. When the bad times appear in your head more than it should, you try to think of the exact time where it fell apart, to try to give blame to the incident, and to try to see if you could have prevented it. If you cannot think of a solution, if you can’t think of a possible better scenario to try to relive the past, you say goodbye. You close the door to perhaps, make new memories and possibilities and to open bigger doors. If you keep that existing door open, the further you are away from new doors and happier moments.

But what if you could have prevented everything? What if you had that chance but you took advantage of the situation? What if you didn’t try your best and you just let things shatter right in front of you? That’s when the good times are consistently flowing in your head to remind you there were more good times than bad. That’s when you realize what you had and what you lost. That’s when you realize, you could have tried harder.

That’s when you try to believe.

Someone had me watch the movie “Meet The Robinsons”. Of course I had seen it but at the time, the movie was just another cute animated movie for me to kill time. Little did I know the moral of the movie was simply amazing. The story goes on about a little boy who kept grudges his whole life, who did not move on from the past. He couldn’t be happy because he kept on living in the past. Scene by scene, as the movie went on, the moral of the story was discretely mentioned: Keep moving forward. Well in the end, he finally moved forward; he finally let go of the past and moved on. And he lived on to be a better and happier person.

For the past few weeks, I had the quote in my head. I kept it in there as motivation. I don’t want to live in the past nor do I not want to be happy in my life. I live for the simple things in life; I live to appreciate every fucking little thing in my life; I live to be happy.

Keep moving forward. The quote has a different meaning for me now. Just because it tells you to keep moving forward, doesn’t mean you have to move forward in a sense where you leave one of the most important factors in your life. What if you choose to move forward with the mistakes you did in the past? What if you choose to move forward with the door that made you happy? Moving forward doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t open new doors with the existing door. Moving forward does not force you to completely destroy the door; it simply states that you can do many things with the door that is still open; it states that you can learn from your mistakes; that you move on from them and make new and better memories.

All of this moving forward with the existing door is not something I can do by myself. I’m willing to give it my all; to try to break the damaged door to build a new one. But the door is too strong to break by myself. I can’t do it alone. And if I’m in this by myself, I must believe that new doors will open for me.

But it’s just not what I want.

At all.

I’ve always dreamed of studying abroad; I thought that it was the one thing I would enjoy and the one thing that I wanted to do. I always dreamed of staying in a foreign country for over a long period of time but I just now realized what I really wanted. I don’t want to study abroad, I want to go abroad. I think I always thought studying abroad would be the only way for me to have the chance to go abroad, but it isn’t. I was talking to a friend in the UK and he was trying to help me decide where I wanted to go. He was saying as long as you enjoy the classes they’re offering. I’m like wait.. wtf.. I don’t give a toot about the classes I’ll be taking..that’s when the light bulb turned on!

So I’ll be considering going abroad after I’m done with my studies and I can’t freaking wait to leave.

The older I’m getting, the more appreciation I’m getting for my parents. I love them so much. I’m grateful for all of the things that they do for me. I think… they raised me well! Ahhaha. So all of the little tihngs that my mom taught me about cleaning and whatnot, it’s really gotten me far! I’m such a clean freak (thats a good thing living with 3 roommates). My mom knows all of these little tricks on keeping things clean, I’m so happy my mom made me clean the house every Sunday..(I think I’m going to regret saying that) even though I’ll never admit that to my mom. AHha. I’d say I’m the clean freak of the apartment and I think every apartment should have one. I’ve made 3 lists/chores for each person to do, such as trash can duties, kitchen and living room duties. It’s helping out the cleanliness of the apartment. Oh and speaking of…it’s my turn to clean the kitchen and living room. T_T

My mom is a funny person. For the past few weeks, she’s been asking me to find weight loss supplements that are healthy enough for her to take. I keep on telling her to just exercise and whatnot but she keeps on telling me that it’ll just take forever to get one pound off! I guess I should do some research.

We all recently went camping for an annual organization trip. Freshman year’s trip was most fun because first experiences are always the most memorable and fun. Last year was alright, more people came out and this year, it was okay. A big cliché of friends came and decided to make it a “house party” with a lot of beer and whatnot. It was nonetheless fun and interesting but I’m glad we didn’t even up staying the night there. My friends, who did, said that they couldn’t sleep worth anything because it was so cold. They had a hard time because they forgot to bring candles and their flashlight batteries ran out of batteries.
Be better prepared next time huh?

I’ve noted that one week I had about a month ago was the busiest because of all of the meetings and projects to do but I didn’t account for this one. Granted, I have 3 tests and 3 projects with meetings everyday that week that I had a month before seemed to be worse. This was probably because of how unorganized everything was? I’m not sure but I’m not as stressed as I was and I’m not normally stressed so yeah. This past weekend was Easter weekend so I had time to study and I did! I wish I had studied for the exam I just took but oh well, I think I did pretty well.

*crosses fingers*

PS. Ever heard of Carrera slot cars? It’s pretty cool!

Michael finally decided on an apartment that works well with him that is also cheap. Well.. he deposited money for one apartment but he recently got a deal with their sister apartments so hopefully he can just transfer the deposit check. If not, I tihnk he’s sticking to his original. This place is nice and big and also very close to proximity to me which makes my commute to his place a lot quicker.

I’m pretty sure he’s going to have a grand time cleaning out his current apartment. It’s so dirty I think they’re going to have to buy a steam cleaner to get all of the pet stains out on every floor. :X

We just got back from the big Asian mall called the Aberdeen Mall. It was a whopping 3 story! The fashion stores were quite expensive and Asian-style but they had a lot of cute little knick knack shops. I didn’t stop as much as I expected but that’s okay. Mostly everything that I bought was for Michael because he loves toys. Hahha. But it was fun; I love doing stuff and going to malls. Heh. There was this really awesome store called Cubes Inc or something where you rent out cubes monthly to display and sell your stuff. It’s a really good idea if you don’t have your own store or if you’re doing something really small on the side like a hobby of some sort. There was also random auto parts stores that had Ferrari parts. It was interesting though!

I’m in Canada for spring break visiting my sister and her family. We just got back from shopping and it was tiring but at the time, I was determined to spend some money. Hehe. We went to Pacific Centre which is a really big shopping area just like SoHo in New York but obviously smaller. I managed to spot a few things and snag it for myself.

I realized that for the past 2 spring breaks, I’ve gone to Canada which isn’t a bad thing but I think for my senior year I want to go to those typical spring breaks with friends to Mexico or something or even to have to one of those Vegas vacations. Hehe we’ll see.

Working on group projects with other people is pretty challenging. After last semester was over, I thought my roommate and I were free of horrible group members but we just encountered some pretty uncommonly vicious ones. We got yelled at for something that had nothing to do with. It was seemingly unprofessional and I hope that we can our groups reassigned for the next project.

PS. Has anyone heard of Fentraphen?